


Backtalk

by Res_Miranda



Category: Lamb - Christopher Moore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-12-22
Updated: 2004-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-25 01:40:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1624784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Res_Miranda/pseuds/Res_Miranda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh and Biff choose the wrong Bible story to act out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Backtalk

**Author's Note:**

> Written for graycastle

 

 

We ran into a problem when we tried to play out the story of Noah and his damn big boat.

"What are we going to do for animals?" Joshua asked, frowning.

I shrugged. "We could go down and catch a frog when we're getting water for the flood," I suggested. It was a hot summer day and the risk of getting unclean seemed less dire than the risk of heatstroke. Any excuse to splash around appeared to be a good idea to me. I ran a hand across my forehead, flicking away the sweat hopefully.

Joshua gave me a disapproving look, having none of it. "Do you want to have to get dunked in the mikveh again?" he asked severely. "You like mooning around outside your house, waiting for the sun to set?"

"I like not telling my mother I've been playing with frogs."

Joshua just shook his head. "Bad idea anyway. They pee when you pick them up."

"Mine didn't," I insisted. This was just a week after I'd caught my three-legged frog and then been forced to let him go. I was only a little bitter about it.

Joshua wasn't listening. "We could always make James and Judah be the animals," he said thoughtfully.

"That sounds worse than making them be girls."

"Are you kidding? To them that's much better than being girls. You'll see - they won't care. You stay here." He trotted off in the direction of his house.

I crouched and drew lines in the dust until Joshua came back, Judah and James in tow. Judah was rubbing his eyes and looked cranky, and I suspected Joshua had risen him early from a nap.

"Okay!" Joshua said when he'd arranged his brothers side by side. "You - " he pointed at James " - are all the male animals, and you - " he pointed at Judah " - are all the female animals."

"I don't want to be the girl animals," Judah said. "I'd rather be Lot's wife again."

"You can't be Lot's wife," Joshua said to Judah for the first and last time. "You're James' mate."

"I don't want to be James' mate."

"Can I be a lion?" James wanted to know.

Joshua closed his eyes, most likely giving his Heavenly Father the equivalent of the universal 'can you believe this schmuck?' eye roll.

"You can be any animal you want," he said, his Patience Great.

"Oh, good," said James, who never got to be who he wanted to be.

"Just as long as you're every animal, too."

James considered this for a moment. "But I can be a lion, right?"

I tried to hide a snicker behind my hand. Joshua shot me a long-suffering look before turning to James again. "Yes. Yes you can," he assured him, giving up for the sake of a quiet life. James beamed.

"I don't want to be a girl," Judah piped up, refusing to let go.

"You're not just _a_ girl, you're _all_ girls," I pointed out helpfully.

Judah's lower lip started to tremble.

"Oh, _man_ ," Joshua groaned. "Thanks a lot, Biff."

"Just want the kid to get it straight," I said.

"Okay, look," he said, holding out his hands in a placating gesture. "You can be whatever animals you want to be." He paused, thinking for a moment before adding, "Just remember: animals don't talk."

"Roar," said James.

"You tell him," I said, grinning. I didn't even bother to hide it.

"Right, _fine_ ," Joshua said as magnanimously as possible. "You, Biff."

"Hm?"

"You're Noah."

"Finally!" I said. "I'm sick of being the bad guy."

Joshua pulled his face into an expression only seen on those unfortunates who had eaten a bad olive. "Noah's not a good guy," he informed me.

"Who's the good guy then?"

"God, of course."

"Then what's Noah?"

"God's little puppet, I think."

I frowned. "So... if Noah's God's puppet, and God is the good guy, why isn't Noah a good guy?"

Joshua frowned back at me. "Because he didn't try to argue and save all the people of the earth."

"Don't give me that. Even _I_ know the world was corrupt, and God sent the flood to make everything all clean-like again."

Joshua sniffed. "All the prophets asked questions except for Noah. He just did what he was told."

"I thought that was a good thing. Now you're making me all confused. Though now that I think of it, Moses _did_ whine a lot."

"Moses did not _whine_ , he _questioned_. There's a difference."

"If you say so," I said dubiously.

"All right." Joshua said, brushing me off. He cracked his knuckles, presumably to limber up his smiting fist. "Okay, I'm God, and you're Noah. Noah, I have seen that the world is corrupt, and all the people and all the earth must be destroyed."

"O Lord," I said, "that sounds like a lousy idea, if You don't mind my saying so."

Joshua gritted his teeth. "That's not how it goes. We just finished talking about it!"

"But you just said yourself that Noah was a jerk."

"Well, _yeah_ , but God smote the world mightily, and Noah saved mankind and all the animals by building the ark, and if he hadn't we wouldn't be here pretending we would have done it differently. God floods the world, Noah floats around for six months on the ark, and the world is no longer corrupt. Okay?"

I frowned. This story seemed a little too vicious, even for God. "Six months? That long?" I said.

He nodded.

"Really?"

"Really."

"That doesn't seem like a good way to treat your Chosen Ones. Can you imagine what that boat smelled like?"

"Gah! Look Noah, build the ark and load all the animals on it, and _no back-talking_."

"O Lord, this sounds like a bum deal. What gives?"

"You know what? Never mind. Forget it."

There was a silence.

"I'm bored," Judah whined.

"Me, too," James said.

Joshua sighed and wandered off to go sit in the dirt, leaving me with his brothers.

They looked at me pleadingly. "Okay," I told them. "Scram."

I watched as they trotted off before wandering over to Joshua and flopping down next to him.

"That went well!" I said.

Joshua didn't answer. We stared at the dirt for a while.

Finally I said, "It's hot."

He half-smiled. "Yeah. I know."

"Really hot."

"I know."

"...want to go pretend to catch frogs in the spring?"

"...yeah, all right."

 


End file.
